| letter to jessika |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|02:18 am] |
You may hurt me, call me every name in the book. I dont care, it doesnt matter and it doesnt hurt me. what ever you think ur gaining out of this, isnt happening. Ive been fortunate enough to never have to depend on peoples opinions of me, and yours is most certainly not different.
However....
You may not hurt my friends, and im sorry to say they are they only way to get to me. I hold them higher than myself. They pick me up after stupid messes like this, and they make sure they dont happen again. I may be dumb and stupid, but as long as u treat me semi decent ill always be there. And they know that.
Hurt one of them, and i swear on my life ill flip. Well....I guess i just told you another secret. you want to piss me off, the only way to piss me off, to get a reaction is to hurt one of them.
This isnt a dare or anything, just a warning. I dont want to talk to yuo anymore, and if that makes u mad, o well i could care less.
lol. have a good life. |
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| Letter to Jessika |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|02:16 am] |
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You may hurt me, call me every name in the book. I dont care, it doesnt matter and it doesnt hurt me. what ever you think ur gaining out of this, isnt happening. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|05:40 pm] |
This is the end. Im done. No more of this bullshit of people lying to me and getting away with it. Everybody fucking wonders why i dont tell people what i feel....well this is why!!!! i fucking get abused as a result of it.
I dont think ive ever felt this betrayed....three of the people i trusted most in this world just played me. Well fuck that. Am i funny? is it fucking hilarious to tell me things that you know are going to get a reaction. |
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| advice please |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
I broke my foot again
Im sooo fucking embarresed its not even funny. But w.e its only for like two weeks, and im tough.
Im actually asking for advice, from anyone really. I like someone, boardering on loving someone, and they most certainly dont see it. But i need to know if i should tell them. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2006|03:52 pm] |
Dude its totally may long!!! Mhm...this freaking rules. Ive been looking forward to this weekend forever, even though my plans have been changed like a thousand times. Im a little bit pissed though, cuz me and jessica had plans for like ever....and then last week shes like yea im going to janelles, i was pffft. as friken if. SO i told her we had to hang out before she left (yesturday) and then she ditched me for janelle again....holy man if i didnt love that girl id probably be a lot more mad lol. God im a loser. Well official plans are to go drinking on some farm. at least for tonight, and then the rest of the weekend is kinda up in the air, but im hoping it wont be a total drag.
OOOO yesturday i got my new bike and me and cotie went for a bike ride, and then we went to ambers house to keep tradition and looked at porn. lol. that was exciting. this has to be the worlds most boring update, well w/e. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|09:09 pm] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE!!!!
Well....now that is out the way...lol. im abbotsford, or vancouver. And i have much to say it has been an interesting trip. On friday driving down here we drove past these two girls flashing all the cars on the freeway. My mom was horrified. and i just laughed histarically. she kept going on and on about how it was public indecency, and people who do that should be locked away. lol. Yesturday i went shopping like nuts. i got new pants, posters, hairstuff, new sweater and all that junk. And i got the first half of janes present. Today i went to church. and guess who was friken there! i almost had a heart attack. Jacob haggard!! I kept looking over, and kept starring. i probably looked like a retard. He was dancing his little insane crazy man dance to amazing grace. It was absolutly hilarious. And then i went down to marysville (USA), and had the best food ever, and got the second half of janes present. and tomorrow im going to get my hair cut, go visit my grandma and grandpas grave..;.and go do something else. i think. maybe i have plans with lindsay....hmmmm
Last week was pretty interesting. Monday i started going out with someone, tuesday they said i love you. and wednesday i broke it off lol. and i m going to kill jenny bibou she fucking got me a detention!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|04:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mad and hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | missing | ] |
Spring break. I was so excited, and so far its been a blast, at least until today. I have just been hanging out and trying to relax. And in the process ive had some really good talks with lish. Its also helped to realize how mcuh my best friends mean to me. I didnt think it would honestly be this hard to be apart from them. But ive realized i really need them, and i miss them alot. Its wierd usually i can pick up the phone and call amber and tell her the latest dilemma and ill end up walking over to her house and jsut sitting there and takling. But i cant. shes all the way in....paris i think today. Grrr this biutes.
Today has been absolute shit. I have managed to avoid my parents for the most part of vacation, but today i totally got it all. Its like the longer i go without being yelled at, the more they have to yell at me for. Blah stupid mom, and her stupid day off. ANd i found out some stuff today, and im really questioning my friendship, and how good of a friend im not today. i totally thought that i was getting somewhere and starting to develop a good friendship with someone, and now i most definetly dont feel that way. and part of me says that im not supposed to care, but i do, and im not sure why. o well.
On a lighter note, i went and opened my own NEW account today. and neither of my parents co-signed on it, so none of this bull shit shutting down my account anymore. It also means that i start saving for europe and mexico today. Maybe ill actually get there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|12:55 pm] |
k well yea its been a long time since i have updated this mess. lol. ok ummm this month has blown im so excited march is here finally. man i get to go to bc twice!!! and i get to see my dad! ok well that one isnt as exciting but yea what ever yea gots to do what you gots to do right?
IIIII HATE ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
seriously tho that subject makes me want to blow my brain out. Grrrr. Yea ok im done lol.
this weekend was pretty good tho. i had fun. mellow fun. it was totally worth it tho. got to hang out and just relax and i even remembered it the next morning which is a plus as far as weekends go!
hmmm im on spare at the moment and i should leave to go back to school :( |
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| who to choose |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|08:34 pm] |
im just sitting here wondering? am i going to have to choose between everyone. cus they have chosen sides?
i mean Jane am i going to be able to be your friend if i choose jessica? if i choose jessica does that mean that u wont be my friend calvin? cotie is it the same with you? anyone else who reads this?? are you going to stop reading it? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|07:40 pm] |
i got the lowest mark of my life today!! 55%!! hahaha im going to be black and blue on saturday. o man i just about passed out when i saw it, it droped 7% which means i really failed that friken final exam. that blows too, it was the only one i actually studied for.
Today was the first day of semester 2. I gots english, math, and religion. So far thats pretty good but its only the frist day. i cant stop smiling, its like i tapped into this untouched resourse of happiness. or im high. either way totally not complaining!
i need a good meaningful quote that has "affected me" |
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| insomnia |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|12:24 am] |
i havent written in this for a while. It seems to be a common occurance that i only write on here when im at my lowest low. Thats ok though. Because when im writing on this, it kind of takes away the pain of everything, and it insures that i dont have to talk to anyone face to face, which in some way is utimately hiding from whatever seems to be bugging me. Dont get me wrong, i know whats bothering me, but i dont want other people to know whats bugging me. It seems insignificant to other people, im not sure if its really of any importance to me either. Hmmm i seem to be rambling....but who cares, does anyone actually read these things anyways?
It started in about december. But if im going to completely honest it ended april 1. I keep coming back to this, to my crush, and the day that i feel that to some degree i closed myself off to the world. Im working my way back to some semblance of happiness, and its becoming increasingly akward. Im talking to her again, and i mean talking, much to the discretion of most of my friends. Who am i kidding? Anyone who i actually care about who has an opinion about the subject has told me to stay the hell away! Haha someone said i was a sucker for punishment, i guess this jsut proved it, o well.
My parents havent been getting along....they live in seperate provinces, but if you didnt know better you would swear that between the two houses, is an ocean they are currently fighting world war 3 over. As a result of the fighting, i stopped sleeping. most defineltly not the prettiest sight in the world, not that i normally am. I also stopped talking to my dad. permently. It sucks and i think thats what is hurting me this most. If your still reading to this point, you may want to stop. Im just going to vent for the rest of it, because i cant hold this in any longer. ANd i cant talk to anyone about this.
My father, one of the two of the supposedly most important people in mt life doesnt seem to care about me anymore. Im not entirely sure if he ever did. The stupid fucking prick seems to be completely content to leave me. To never fucking see me graduate, never fucking see me get married, never fucking live my life. My "father", my fucking drive in life. I have a box of trophies, and awards under my bed sitting in a box collecting dust. All won for him, for his fucking satifaction, as if in some unconcievable way i could win his love, and become more than a fucking consolation prize from his fucking sham of a marriage.
Hes moved on with his life, and im not included in it. I dont think i have ever felt this unloved in my entire life. And it brings me to tears, to know that in ten, twenty years the only thing i will have to remember him by is the scars that line my face, and arms, from when i just wastn good enough, just wasnt perfect.
i think im done now. I dont have anymore tears to cry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|08:22 pm] |
wow its been along time since i wrote in this thing...... Ive given up trying to bottle everything in tho. at least for this week. I stopped writing in this thing because someone who heavily influences me said that it wasnt cool. o fucking well. i guess you could say im just a little pissed off right now. not at anything in particular tho. just in general.
ive just had 6 hoots and i dont feel nething.....well i dont feel high. I wish i was tho. so that it would make me unresponisble for just an hour. i just want to let go for an hour and have no regrets.
this week definetly ranks up there with one of those weeks.My parents.....OMFG!!!! seriously....they dont know and dont care where i am half the time, but when it comes time for me to actually make them take notice they give fucking instructions out. how lame is that? i mean come on, ambers mom is more of a mom to me then my own parents and they have the nerve to tell her that i cant leave the house or nething like that when its their fucking fault that im like this.
i got told by the docter this week that i have osteoprosous which is crippling.... and some of my "friends" think its funny and enjoy laughing at it....o well i guess they can seeing as they wont be the one in a wheel chair in less then ten years, wow that kinda puits things into perspective.
When i do end up in a wheelchair somebody better commit fucking euthenasia (spelt right?) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|04:12 pm] |
this week has been pretty fun. me and jess actually spent time together doing actual things (used to be very rare for us)
me amber and jess went to all the parks in fort and took random pictures it was awesome! me and amber were laughing our asses off when jessica got stuck in the baby swing. lol. we got a picture of it to!
tuesday me and jess went to emerson drive. that was awesome! i think im in love. lol. it was very well worth sitting through the road hammers to see them. The lead singer man is very good looking and has an amazing voice. and almost everybody was singing with him. there were so many people there that you wouldnt expect to see at a country concert, this one girl beside us was completely goth and she was singing louder than i was.
yesturday me and jess went to big valley jamboree. it was pretty good i guess. i fell asleep during one of the concerts and jess and her dad just left me there to wonder off. i woke up and didnt know where i was and why i was listening to really bad music, and sittting in a field of people. then i clued in and started laughing my ass off. the people beside us probably thought that i was on drugs. me and jess met guys there. tyler(18) and tavis(23). me and jess decided that because travis was 8 years older than me that i was going to be the one to walk with tyler, but it didnt work that way. travis is pretty cool tho. hes in his first year apprentiship to be a pipe fitter. we got both their numbers and they got our emails.
we were supposed to go back today. but this mornign when i woke up i couldnt talk and i felt like complete shit. so i told jess. i think she was pretty mad but watever shell get over it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the river below-billy talent | ] |
this week has been pretty good. i got a promotion at work. im now supervisor, and they said something about me getting a raise or premium for it. it means i cant go down to medicine hat to see calvin with cotie at the end of the month. meh, watever ill go down later on this summer.
i got a really nice paycheck on thursday and spent like most of it on thursday nite at sportschek. it was awesome! i love shopping! after i got back me, jess and stebs went to BP's and then we went golfing. jess locked her keys in her car tho. we creeped out some man named pat by asking him tons of questions.
yesturday i went to k-days with amber and alicia. and sarah met us there later. it was fun. we got pictures. that i look in a retard in, but thats pretty much every picture. We saw thornley. i was at the front of the mosh pit. they were really really really loud. i was soo deaf afterwards. i got their autograph and i got a guitar pick. second year in a row. i think amber was a little pissed.
i slept for 14 hours after i got home. i didnt get up until three. now im babysitting my nephew.
o and to the person that is leaving any anonymous comments you dont even know who we are you stupid piece of shit so stop leaving the comments. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|02:36 pm] |
well its been a long couple of days, a couple things have changed and im not sure how im feeling towards everything. my parents set a date for the wedding. which is good i guess. im really trying to be happy for them, its just not there. i guess im glad that my mom is happy, im just not to excited about barry and her being together forever. It really scares me. i know that itll be all good tho.
Im going to be a bridesmaid. and jessica is going to be the guest book attendant and an usher.
the same night that they told me that they were going to get married was the same night they told me that i was getting adopted. Barry is adopting me. that means im going to be Kaylah Rheanne Schiedl. ahhhhh!!!! that sooo doesnt sound right. he said it was because he didnt think my father was good enough. and that i deserved better, i dont think he understands how much him and my dad have in common. o well its only two more years.
I kinda freaked out. I kinda took off. but just kinda.....that means i told my parents i was going out and just didnt go home right away. But like three hours later. but they didnt freak out on me for it. I guess they just kinda understanded my reasoning. which is good. cuz i really didnt want to get grounded just for going for a walk.
the night before me and jessica finally spent some time together, i hadnt seen her in like two weeks. it was good, but we pissed off cotie and amber, which was not so good. me and jess finally talked too. She told me that i had to talk to some people and explain things to them. that went well i guess, but i got told that they felt that i was using them, which i sooo wasnt but im not getting into that.
so i told these people most things. but not everything because that would have made things worse.
ahh well thats been my last few days |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|03:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | kinda sad, and frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nothing | ] |
our friends are the most twisted and stupidest bunch of ppl ever!! dont get me wrong i love you guys but..... you all have feelings and are just, i dont know why, but you wont tell each other. Even when its clear to the rest of the world that you do. Trust me when i say its clear, blind people could tell. but instead of coming out and saying something you just hide it and keep it in until something forces you to say it or someone gets hurt.And i know that im not supposed to say nething because i did the same thing, and i almost never tell someone when i like them, but its because they never like me back. its not like that with you guys.
i guess rite now im just frustrated. i feel like im losing my best friend. we have just grown apart so much. and i thought this summer would give us time to get to know each other again and have some fun. but we are both so busy and its so hard to spend netime together. and.....dammit its really getting to me. even though i had the hardest time telling her everything, i still need to tell her things. And i still need to be able to tlak to her and its getting harder. Especially now that we both have different friends, or well i guess not different friends. just different people that we talk to. she has Janelle and i have well, amber or cotie. dont get me wrong i know that i can talk to them, its just not the same. I miss having someone to run through londendarry with, and to go to the driving range and act like complete retards with.
And i know im safe saying all this stuff on here, because she doesnt read it. which i think makes it all easier to say. Lol Im not a coward at all.
o well at least im not the only one!!!!!! (thats directed to one person specifically) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|09:33 pm] |
calvin is here, i guess its alrite. I dont kno it just not what i expected.
tomorrow i go back to work. that should be alrite tho because i get either tuesday or wednesday off.
me and amber watched the best movies ever, D.E.B.S. is the best and cutest movie ever!!!!!
amber thought it was so good that she watched it twice in one nite. lol. its ok tho cuz it really was a good movie. ppl like that are sooo cute, but you never heard me say that.
w/e i have nothing left to say sooo goodnite |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|10:19 pm] |
this week has been insanely busy at work. im getting the hang of it but im still struggling. its ok tho because the people i work with are really understanding. and are really nicee to me, even if they dont know how to say or spell my name.
i got home from work and my parents decided that they wanted to have a family night and go to a movie. me and my mom went to see sisterhood of the travelling pants. it was good i guess. the greeek man was really hot. and when i say hot i mean like mouth watering!!!!!
after the movie me, alicia and amber went for a walk. it was hilarious!
I LOVE.....
CHIEF GOT TO GO
PEES IN BUSH
BOY WHO NEEDS ASSMINT
love,
FRIZZY ONE |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|06:27 pm] |
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today was an alrite day. i worked from 8-2. it wasnt that bad i guess. i like when we are busy tho because that way i have something to do. i dont like having nothing to do it annoys me.i was in the back and i got to smell the fresh donuts and bread. it was the best. i came home tho and my family was....well.... being my family. i dont know why im suprised either. its just sooo them. welll i need to go and i have nothing else to day |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|09:32 pm] |
tomorrow i start work. And im kinda excited just so that i dont have to be at home anymore. I just cant take it. i think by the time i move out ill need dentures, because i grit my teeths so bad. he is the single most rudest person i have ever met. and the level of resentment i feel towards him is indescribable its so high. Teh comments he makes, really makes me wonder how someone like him could ever get married or ever have ne basic interaction with human beings. No wonder the man has no friends, i have yet to come across a group of people he doenst treat as his insuperiors. My god the man could not have been raised to treat people with an once of decency. Fuck i could slap him!!!!!! and get slapped back!!!!!
amber i could sooo go for the plan. when do they get back???? |
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